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Secret Agent 000 James Bhondu

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Agent 000 reporting!

The name's Bhondu. James Bhondu.

On Her Majesty's 'Secret' Service.

Mission Briefing:
Leak Ten State Secrets
or
Just State Ten Secrets
Now I would have definitely liked to blurt Ten State Secrets, but unfortunately I sold the Top Secret file to Doctor Evil, so I know none now. So let me choose option 2 and demystify and State Ten Secrets of the Boastin' Powers : International Reptile of Mystery!

1) Some of my friends actually called me James.

2) People get placed in companies because of academic merit built over time in their graduate course (and of course the interview). I got placed through campus recruitment precisely because I had FAILED in a few subjects at just the RIGHT time. No kidding. Might explain later ;)

3) I am presently living in my 13th 'home'. My 1st home (maternity hospital not including) ended up being my 10th home, and then 3 more....and...

4) I hate it when a barber cuts my hair. I have to sit totally helpless over there, be 'manhandled' by my chin and cheeks, with hair all falling in my eyes, getting sprayed by all sorts of liquids, sharp weapons bloodying the tender nape of my neck, being tightly packed inside that white 'robe', etc. Oh wait there is more. The barber actually expects me to talk with him about 'politics','films', and whatnot things I have least on my mind. Even expects me to join in and enjoy lewd jokes targetted at females. And!!!!!!!!!!For all this torture, I am expected to PAY him :-O!!!
The poor barber-taumatised little me! Sob! It was a never-ending childhood taruma.
The story remained the same for the babers near all of my first 10 'homes' mentioned above.

So my solution: I now cut my own hair. I have not entered a barber's shop in last 5 years (OK maybe once or twice in between, when some zombie spirit came over me and I lost voluntary control of my actions

(Did you see my smart online solution? Reptiles do't have hair!)

5) Some people in blogsphere beleive I am Gujarati. Truth is I lived in Gujarat for 5 years, and then went to another state. I gave Gujarati Subject as language in my board exams by special permission(class 10) while other ppl of my class took the standard language of that state. I mean how do you expect me to learn that other language starting from level of class 9, and then even give same subject exam in class 10 ('crucial' year in Indian academic life) next year?
So I studied class 9 & 10 privately for Gujarati and gave exams.

6) I've had 3 bicycles till date and no other vehicle. Colour of all three: 'Red'
The way I lost the first one was freaky. The bicycle had been rotting unridden outside my house for about 1 year then. It wasn't even roadworthy. But still out of nostaligia, I penned down a poem on 'My Red Bike'. At the end of it I gave the poem a twist that the bike gets stolen.
And that night when I went outside, the bicycle REALLY WAS NOT THERE! STOLEN!
It was rotting right there in the morning!!!!!!!!!

Actually it was one of the 6-7 poems that I penned in succession of 3-4 days. I had never written a 'poem' before that, nor have I written a complete 'poem' after that. There was something about those 3-4 days man! And imagine, that freak of a bike was probably getting stolen right when I was penning 'such an incident' in the evening!!!!

7) At on phase in my life I wanted to be a vet.

8) My 'pets' till date include
--Dogs (scores of them)
--Cats (quite a few)
--A male goat kid, raised for about a year
--Wounded doves 3 to 4 (at different times) - 1 grew fit to fly away in a week. Others died of natural or Cat-made causes.
--A sick baby crow which regained strength, but grew blind day by day. I don't remember how it died.
--a baby wall lizard (PAY ATTENTION MISS SOLITAIRE) , kept in a grilled enclosure not for any such noble cause, but just some childish thrill. (And fed mosquitos caught live by hollow of the hand and released in the enclosure through an opening after covering rest of the enclosure with polythene.
--snails and earthworms, caught in the backyard and kept in transparent boxes filled with soil
--overnight pet frogs, caught and kept in half filled buckets and releases in the morning
--a very big and old grasshopper, that came in one night and was too weak to
fly away the next day. So I brougt some small plants with good bushy foliage and planted them in a bathroom tub, and kept the the grasshopper in it. Fed it very small tomato pieces, radish piecs, and such vegetables which we cooked that day. In absence of internet 'in those days', I had no idea what it would eat. But it did do some 'nibbling' with its extremely wierd mouth on the tomatoes especially. And if you had not expected it, the underbelly or 'abdomen' (as the last part of the three parts of an insect is called) was extremely smooth and soft to touch! Silk or velvet does not even come close. (ok maybe close). It died in a week.(As I told you it was the BIG, biggest one I ve seen, lethargic when it came, and had probably become old and reached the end of its natural life)

Besides actually 'keeping' these, I have come in 'touch' with..
--a baby chameleon(PAY ATTENTION 'YOUR MAJESTY') in my backyard whom I sometimes took in my hand. But as it grew, it started looking at me with cold reptilian freaky stares, and even biting my thumb. So I "Let go. If they don't come back, they were never yours."
--baby house mice. belive my, the ultra pink, totally hair-free mice, just a few days old with tinye little hands and feet cuddled close to their body, and eyes no even opened yet are ultra cute to watch and keep on your palm.
--fur-ball baby squirrels, in a 'nest' made of cotton stolen from our mattresses in our electric meter box.
--while picking up snails and earthworms, I was about to absentmindedly pick up a thick black thing, when just 2/3 cm away from it I stopped realizing "Damn, its a snake". Later, the same rainy season I was to witness a black snake with its hood fully raised in all its glory in the same backyard. If the two snakes were the same, I was really lucky to have stopped 2-3 (3-4 maybe) cm short, and because that was near the tail end of the snake, and that it was busy 'passing by' and not just 'lying there' waiting to greet me.
--there were these particular type of hard-back beetles (about 1.5cmX1cmX0.5 cm dimensions)that visited indoors at night. It was fun to make it walk over books, newspapers,etc. Especially the fun was when it surprised you and took sudden flight with a buzzing sound. Another peculiarity was that sum of them had small things about less than 1mm cube in dimensions, crawling all over their underbelly. I could never figure out if they were its kids or parasites. They 'seemed' similar in shape (can't say because of the small size), but very lighter colour.



Maybe some more, but I think I have wearied the reader enough by now.

9) I really hate insects that bug me bad such as mosquitoes and flies and the huge headed 1.5 cm long black ants we get in India (and they were definitely aplenty at the place where I found the above creatures too. So I have elaborate torture techniques for them.
--I can catch mosquitoes mid air, and that too 'single-handedly' (Thats definitely skilled, if not 'brave' eh?)
--Mosquitos caught in such a way maybe a) drowned in water b) squished after catching c) fed to pet lizards when available (see pt of my 'pets' above) d) dissected apart limb by limb
--I get close to a mosquito and then flick it away with a harsh hit from the nail of my forefinger. No I don't squish it between the surface and my striking nail. Thats too boring. I 'flick' it away so hard that it gets squashed on impacting the opposite wall, or if it is a big fat one that has just fed on me, its tummy will simply burst open on impact with my nail, while it flies through air.
--When I was younger, lots of flies used to come in the house. So I used to carefully trap them in plastic bags, collect maybe about 50 or so in the bag, tie the bag firmly shut, and have fun with the 'live and humming baloon'. And then throw it away to let the flies die.
--The big black ants I mentioned used to bite little 10 year old me's feet often in rainy season. And their huge head's bite meant definite bleeding and a lot of pain. But the 'little fella' was not as innocent as he looked. He learnt how to catch these things by the body in such a way that they could not turn their head around to bite. But since they were caught, alarmed, in mid air, and restless to fight back, they kept their biting pinchers wide open, ready to quickly clamp on any thing within reach. So what did the little fellow do then? The meanie picked up another such ant and brought its neck in touch with pincers of the first. "Off with their heads!". Ant one cut the head off ant 2 in a flash and then kept it tightly in its grips (This tendency made it very painful to pull off an ant which bit you. It generally came off with a mm cube of flesh, and hence the bleeding, and of course hence my severe hatred). So I brought an ant 3, to bite off the neck of this ant 1. next ant 4 bit off the neck of ant 3 and so on. In this way I used to build chains of about 15-20 heads. Yeah I know. Humans are wicked. Onometopoea (Figure of speech:whole for the part or part for the whole).

10) Psssssst. I have many more secrets! Thats a secret between you and me alright? Tell no one about it ;)

See I am so generous, telling you even the eleventh secret....

11) All the above narratives and incidents are absolutely true. They happened to me.


If you have actually read till here and have not realised this is a tag where I say my 10 secrets , then you are tagged.
If you have not read till here, or if you realised this is a tag, go dance! No tag for you
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12 comments :

Jaydip Mehta said...

Your post title, your name, and your posts all are quite funny, dude .. It makes me smile .. Errrr .. Actually not smile but laugh.. It makes me laugh ...

Solitaire said...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKSS!! It was an entertaining post and then suddenly all those dreadful L and C words popped out and I could not read any more!!!!

BTW, Gujarat? Which city?

Maryum said...

i have a habit...that i when i read anything i first read the last page.. and the blog world i read the last line of the blog before reading the actual blog..
so i read
//If you have actually read till here and have not realised this is a tag where I say my 10 secrets , then you are tagged.
If you have not read till here, or if you realised this is a tag, go dance! No tag for you//
this thing sab se pehle.. so i guess i dont qualify for the tag thing haina..
bohut creepy secrets the bhai...but we do have things in common.. i m wearing a white t shirt today that has 4 lizards(one big one at the back and 3 small ones crawiling on the right shoulder...weird haina!!!
on ur point number eight... all i have to say is eww eww eww...me not a big fan of animals...now gtg work to do

chinmai said...

hmm.. intersting .. my patience broke away from me .. but i cud flip thru ur top 10 secrets.. 4th and 5th points were the most intersting :)

Urv said...

If there was any little doubt whatsoever as to we were not long lost saur brothers, the following clear it off:

1) You too were in Gujjuland.
2) I am also living in my 13th home. No joking
3) I too can catch mosquitos single handedly. Now this was going to be obvious na with us being saurs :D

Maryum said...

@ urv
u are not a SAUR
the demales are SAUR
u are stupid
STUPID-o-SAUR
stupid is for the male and saur for the female..
are u sure u are from stupid's family... mujhe to lagta hai ekta kapooor k serials dekh dekh kar u hve created a plot where u pose as his brother(sister?!?) and thn hathyaaao his jungle property....:D:D

Maryum said...

typoooooooooooooooo FEMALE

Solitaire said...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS!
I read Maryum's comment and that too is loussssssssssssssy!

Stupidosaur said...

@jaydip

Yeah I know what you mean
//It makes me smile .. Errrr .. Actually not smile but laugh.. It makes me laugh ...

My 'jokes' are such that you can neither properly laugh, nor smile, nor do any specific something to release that pent-up something that they create in you.

Its like it starts its tiny existence then suddenly blooms up into a suffocating hemisphere wanting to burst into a laugh, bloom into a smile, but just missing hitting the spot.

I sympathise with you dear reader. Please accept my apologies :)


@maryum

Bada ajeeeb T shirt hai tera. Totaly asymmetrical. I am trying to imagine it....yeah looks good.
Lizards hain bhai. How can it not look good. So are they cartooney lizards or life-like pictures?

Arrey waah meri shishyaa! (she-student). Tujhey Saur waala lecture barabar yaad hai! I was thinking of writing similar comment in reply to urv's!

But maybe urv was trying to say something else. When he said saur brothers, he meant brothers of our common saur sister. Ab jaakar usey dhoodhna padega!

@solitaire
re:comment1
Lizzie and Chameli are my saur sahelis. Unko L word aur C word mat bolo. Nahin to tumhe S word bolunga :P

re:comment2
Is post pe tumne decide kar liya hai kya meri har saheli ko taaney maarney ka. Ab maryum ki baari lag gayi.
//EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS!
I read Maryum's comment and that too is loussssssssssssssy!

Which one, first one or second one?

If its regarding the first one, that comment is not at all lousy. It reflects maryums depth of understanding about the etymology, gender differences, family ties,etc Stupidosaurs.

She attended Dr. Stupid's earlier lectures which you bunked :P

//that too is loussssssssssssssy!

"I love Lucy"
"I love lousssssssssssssssy!"

And since I am a Reptile, I lived in a city starting with R.


@urv
Hello brother!Yellow Brother!
(Wait which body colour have you changed to today? Is it still yellow, or have you switched to green or brown? Fasions man! I just cant seem to follow them!)

Tera ghar-mera ghar-13 ghar! Yay!

//...we were not long lost saur brothers...
//...this was going to be obvious na with us being saurs

arrey I saw only the first 'saur occurance first' and was justifying you to maryum.

But now looking at the second occurance, I am reminded of what Gene Hackman said to Will Smith in the move "Enemy of the State"

"Either you are incredibly smart or
incredibly stupid!"

I am thinking "Either you are an absolutely genuine stupidosaur or an absolute fake."

An absolute fake would not know that a saur is a female stupidosaur. But an absolute genuine one knows that it goes much deeper than that and dares to use it in a broader sense. So which one is it urv?

@chinmai
Thanks for showing interest with patience :). I guess patience is like a rubber band. If you stretch it, it breaks away from you. And so it did in your case.

Maryum said...

@stupid
my t shirt is good.. white in color.. and back per like 7-8 cm long lizard hai silver main.. and then right shoulder per eik choti lizard hai.. thn us se choti thn us se choti .and all of them are silver.. the lizards are just the shape of lizard totally filled in by silver color...samjh aayi ..

and solitaire said eeeks on my second comment... as i was not only talking abt lizards but was wearing them on my shirt as well..

and i m telling you urv is fake...check the chavanprash thing he sent you.,,kisi us main kuch mila hoya na ho...i m telling u its all about ur junglee property....
chalo me gtg now
luv
mary

Urv said...

~stupidosaur and maryum
Maryum memory ki daad deni padegi. Saur waala lesson as well as fake Chyavanprash dono yaad hai :D

Mujhe mere bhai ki junglEE property mein koi interest nai hai :P :) na hi jungle property mein :P

The reason I had used saur is that mujhe pura word use karne mein bore maar raha tha :P

Ketan said...

Stupidosaur,

I am still so very afraid of all the insects that jump/fly suddenly and unpredictably--specifically, big cockroaches and insects like grasshoppers. So my admiration for you further increases a bit.

I share with you my hatred for mosquitoes. Like, I used to kill them even by throwing notebooks at the ceiling!

I've done every single thing that you've done to mosquitoes. On one occasion, in my hostel, my friend and I had killed over 200 mosquitoes in less than 30 min!

Somehow, 'makodas' had never bitten me. And what you did to them was really sinister, but still very ingenious. You know, it sounds more psychotic than all the the psychos of all my such stories combined!

You have definitely had a very happening childhood! I too used to do such keedes, but not so much with the animal kingdom! Alas, now I realize, because of some events in my life, I don't remember them, or do so very vaguely.

It's nice to see you've not lost touch with your childhood. I have.

I've never hidden the fact that I'm curious about you, so thanks for writing this post (and not deleting it)! :) Thanks was not for the 'R' city, but other things you told about yourself.

TC.

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