Bharatiya Ballebaaz!

Hmm this not sleeping whole night kinda works like a psychedelic hallucinogen I think.
No I have not tried such things, or any such 'substance' for that matter, but I think this is how it must feel like.

I am remembering so many ideas that I had once upon a time in my life. So here goes one more...

Q : Indian Ballebaaz key naam bataao.

I guess you answer will go something like
A: Sachin Tendulkar, Mahendrasingh Dhoni, Yuvraj Singh, etc
Right?

Wrong!!!! The answer is
A: Daler Mehendi, Sukhwinder Singh, Harbhajan Maan, Mika, etc

'Balle'baaz. Samjhe?
Oh Balle Balle!

Bye, for now

I will not be blogging for 5 days.
Bless your stars and recharge your Mediocracy Tolerance Quotient!
Bye!

Or maybe don't bless your stars. They are already paid obnoxiously high amount for each movie.
Just recharge your Mediocracy Tolerance Quotient for their next crappy movie.
If you are unble to recharge the Mediocracy Tolearance Quotient, then curse your stars if the crappy movie bugs you too much.

Towards Picturesque Speech: Dumbass

OK I have stolen the first part of the title from a section that used to feature in very old editions of Reader's Digest.

But here is a very interesting piece of such pictursque speech. I have not stolen it from anywhere.

Q :What do you say for a person who puts up a show as a very smart, wise-guy fellow but is actually quite moronic?

A: There is a real DumbAss inside that SmartyPants.

Quite figurative huh?

"How To Feel Melancholic" For Dummies

Don't sleep the whole night.

Actually the process is very versatile and convergent.
In case you start off as a Dummy, it works as stated,
"It makes the Dummy feel melancholic"
If you start off as a Smartypants, even then it works, with an additional step,
"First it makes the Smartypants a Dummy" and then
"It makes the Dummy feel melancholic"

The Dyslexic?? Curtain Sewer Fair Lady

I thought we first sew curtains and then we decorate them on doors, windows, etc.
But one damsel prefers to differ.
She is some leading lady in some old Hindi song.

She is giving all twisted and wrong lesson to her Sweetheart. And insisting very strongly on it.
" Pardey Sajakey Pardey Siya..
Bhool Na Jaana Piyaa...!"


I found the agent noun 'sewer' for a person who sews quite obnoxious as you can understand.
Tried to check if my usage is correct. And damn! What do I find? There can bve even worse confusion
Check the third meaning here!
How would you like to get your meal from a sewer?

No Comments!

Hmm so there have been no comments on this blog overpast 24 hours, over past 4 posts.

Maybe thats how it should be.
Comments do not matter.
Cos a compiler ignores comments anyways.
Whatever the programming language.

And maybe as the comments dwindle, and even the readers dwindle, I can make this blog private and dump some actual rambling rants on it which have been wanting to, but would not because its a public blog. And would not because it will drive away readers.

(At present the posts are not so advanced that they 'drive away' readers. They simply walk the reader off. No car)

O.K this rant proves I need to go and sleep now.

Oh wait let me just start such a private blog where I can dump such things as described above........

Yeah did now: MySpace Do(n)t Com(e)

Hmm. So have I really written some very private things in it? Or is it just a tease?
Will I give others permission to read it? Or will I act all haughy and self important obnoxious high handed snobby stuffed turkey? (yeah, like people will even care to read it eh?)

Jobless Tommy Boy

I am not feeling funny right now.
Actually I'm feeling 'kinda funny'.
And thats quite expected when you have not slept the whole night.

But just to compensate for some boring posts (the posts for making which I bored down quite deep inside me, but khoda pahad nikla chuha I guess), let me attempt to write something funny from memory. Its something (again) which I had written in my diary earlier, and I remembered now.

Q: Tom had two degrees in engineering, yet he never got a job. Why?



























A: Being an engineer he converted both the degrees into radians!

Me pretending to be wiser than the scientist specialists

Some time back, I had read how the bones of astronauts are very weak when they return back to earth after a long stay in space. Then they do all sorts of things to regain bone density and strength.

The speculation is that the bones lose their density owing to lesser gravity. But scientists are not sure of the mechanism involved.

But I wonder,
1) Could it not be something lot simpler, and from the known territory of science, like absence of sunlight and hence absence of vitamin D?
2) Or does this happen inspite of the astronauts taking regular 'vitamin D' suppliments?
3) And anyways, even if they took all the supplements, who said science has discovered all the vitamins, and especially all the vitamins and substances human beings produce by 'photosynthesis' apart from Vitamin D?

Issue 0 of the magazine "My issues with life" Cover Story: "I was born"

First the daily/weekly/fortnightly/monthly/haphazardly magazine was going to start with Issue#1, but in writing it, I got carried away initially. So decide to dump it here and just link to it from other issues of the magazine. Its just like writing a reusable code that will be called from many programs of the computer appliction.

Some percentage of a century ago a Stupidosaur was born....
Neither of his parents were Stupidosaurs. Was he a mutant? He was a 'missing link' to a new species. Reverse missing link perhaps.

Later on he was going to wonder about that biggest event of his life as
"...Ek Parinda Hoey Sharminda...Tha woh nanga!
...Arrey issey toh andey ke andar...Tha woh changa!
...Soch raha hai bahar aakhir kyon nikla hai......
...Arrey chaddi pehen ke phool khila hai phool khila hai!"

vague translation:
(...the lil' bird blushes....cos its naked....
...wasn't it a lot better off inside the egg?..
...wonders why it ever broke out of it....
...the flower...born in its undies...)

Now thats not my original composition. Nor is it any classic song's lyrics. Its the hindi title song for the series 'Jungle Book' which played on TV some 10 years back. It describes Mowgli the jungle boy who roams aound naked in his undies.

Besides, it talks of a lil' birdie. Birdies evolved from Reptilies. And this lil' Reptilie is very evolved one. So I guess its close.

Again, I did write this post, kinda drawn from the feeling "Why the heck was I born". So "...Arrey issey toh andey ke andar...Tha woh changa!" applies.

Besides Mowgli grew up with Lomdi's (wolves) thinking he was one of them, but realising later on that he is something else.Stupidosaur too grew in the vicinity of biped mammals, but later on realised he was not one of them.

And (this point is purely based on 'Stupidosaur the reptile concept'. I have hair on the head as well as elswhere) just like the wolves called Mowgli the Frog because of his less hair, Stupidosaur would obviously have less hair than biped mammals.

So my birthday song/anthem is finalised then
"...Ek Parinda Hoey Sharminda...Tha woh nanga!
...Arrey issey toh andey ke andar...Tha woh changa!
...Soch raha hai bahar aakhir kyon nikla hai.........
Arrey chaddi pehen ke phool khila hai phool khila hai!"

The theory of "Do we really understand?"

We 'express' a lot of things to each other. But do we actually understand each other? Do we really understand the thing being expressed, the way it actually is inside the mind of the person expressing it? I don't know right now how to make you understand what I am trying to express. And that itself is quite consistent with what I am trying to express, if you get the drift. (I am tempted to put a smiley here but will refrain). Let me make a crude attempt at giving an example to explain the thing I am trying to explain. When I say, "These french fries are salty!", how do you know what I mean by 'salty'? Salty is the taste that I feel on my tongue, inside my mouth, within my body, through some chemical reactions causing 'interpretation' in my brain. You have no idea what ->I<- call 'salty'. Actually 'salty' is the protocol we developed purely based on things that are OUTSIDE of us. When you were a kid, people fed me certain things, and uttered the word 'salty' with it. At the same time I felt some 'taste' on my tongue. So over the period, you must have associated some sensation that you felt, with word 'salty'. So over time whenever I feel the same sensation again, I say it feels 'salty'. I say 'salty'. You hear 'salty'. And understand your own interpretation of 'salty'. Cos you too, over life, have associated the same word with some internal sensation of your own. Which however may not be the same sensation which I feel. The only thing common between our two 'salty's is that they are our individual sensations associated with this white thing ‘salt’ on our tongue . It is quite possible that the sensation you call 'salty' is the sensation I call 'sweet'.
Confused? Let me put it this way. There is this lemon. There is sugar. And there is salt Then lets assume there are some standard sensations in every person's the brain. Though this post, in a way, is actually questioning such an assumptions. Lets call these sensations A,B,C. Now we call three fellows 1,2,3 When 1 tastes lemon , he gets sensation A. When 2 tastes lemon , he gets sensation B. When 3 tastes lemon , he gets sensation C. Whenever 1 got sensation A, he always heard people say 'sour'. Whenever 2 got sensation B, he always heard people say 'sour'. Whenever 3 got sensation C, he always heard people say 'sour'. So even though the trio had sensed a different taste on tasting the lemon, they all agreed that the lemon was 'sour'! Similarly, for 'sweet' , 1 always got sensation B, 2 got C and 3 got A. But they all still call sugar 'sweet'. Reason? Its the external protocol they have associated their respective internal sensations with! And nobody would get wiser to this mismatch, because the consistent external protocol would make them all feel a smooth illusional seamless sameness of perception. Hello fellow! We are same! We all feel salt is salty! Hooray to us!
But what happens when I have a sensation inside me that I have never correlated with any outside word over my life?
How do I express myself then?
And even if I do express it in some way, how do I know you recognized it for what I meant it to be? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK the point of the post is made and done with. Let me give you one more example to explain the concept in case the example above was still confusing.
This time, to simplify, lets move outside of ourselves and our perceptions and salt,lemon and sugar. We will use an analogy
Switch 1 - Salt
Switch 2 - Lemon
Switch 3- Sugar
Lets replace three minds with three rooms.
And three conciousnessess inside the minds with three persons in the room.

Now, an electrician has made connections in this way:
When switch 1 is pressed a red bulb glows in room1, yellow bulb in room 2, a green one in room 3.
When switch 2 is pressed, a yellow bulb glows in room1, green one in room 2, red one in room 3.
When switch 3 is pressed, a green bulb glows in room 1, red one in room 2, yellow one in room 3.

In the ‘learning phase’,
When a 4th person presses switch 1 and says “Guys, the light you see in your room now is s1 light, the 3 persons take a note of it.
Similarly he presses switch2 and switch 3 and ask them to take a mental note of s2 and s3 light.

Next, in the exam phase,
Person 4 presses switch 1 and asks which light do thay see, all 3 answer “S1 light!” even though person 1, 2 & 3 are seeing red,yellow and green lights actually!

Think different light colours as different taste sensations of three persons to the same ‘switch’ salt!

Hmm could this be the reason why some people like salty more, some sweet and some sour? They all like the same sensation, but its produced in them by different substances!
Suppose everybody actually likes green light ‘sensation’. Still person 1 will like ‘S3 light’ more, person 2 will like ‘S2 light’ more and person 3 will like ‘S1 light’ more in the example above!!

Secret Agent 000 James Bhondu

Agent 000 reporting!

The name's Bhondu. James Bhondu.

On Her Majesty's 'Secret' Service.

Mission Briefing:
Leak Ten State Secrets
or
Just State Ten Secrets
Now I would have definitely liked to blurt Ten State Secrets, but unfortunately I sold the Top Secret file to Doctor Evil, so I know none now. So let me choose option 2 and demystify and State Ten Secrets of the Boastin' Powers : International Reptile of Mystery!

1) Some of my friends actually called me James.

2) People get placed in companies because of academic merit built over time in their graduate course (and of course the interview). I got placed through campus recruitment precisely because I had FAILED in a few subjects at just the RIGHT time. No kidding. Might explain later ;)

3) I am presently living in my 13th 'home'. My 1st home (maternity hospital not including) ended up being my 10th home, and then 3 more....and...

4) I hate it when a barber cuts my hair. I have to sit totally helpless over there, be 'manhandled' by my chin and cheeks, with hair all falling in my eyes, getting sprayed by all sorts of liquids, sharp weapons bloodying the tender nape of my neck, being tightly packed inside that white 'robe', etc. Oh wait there is more. The barber actually expects me to talk with him about 'politics','films', and whatnot things I have least on my mind. Even expects me to join in and enjoy lewd jokes targetted at females. And!!!!!!!!!!For all this torture, I am expected to PAY him :-O!!!
The poor barber-taumatised little me! Sob! It was a never-ending childhood taruma.
The story remained the same for the babers near all of my first 10 'homes' mentioned above.

So my solution: I now cut my own hair. I have not entered a barber's shop in last 5 years (OK maybe once or twice in between, when some zombie spirit came over me and I lost voluntary control of my actions

(Did you see my smart online solution? Reptiles do't have hair!)

5) Some people in blogsphere beleive I am Gujarati. Truth is I lived in Gujarat for 5 years, and then went to another state. I gave Gujarati Subject as language in my board exams by special permission(class 10) while other ppl of my class took the standard language of that state. I mean how do you expect me to learn that other language starting from level of class 9, and then even give same subject exam in class 10 ('crucial' year in Indian academic life) next year?
So I studied class 9 & 10 privately for Gujarati and gave exams.

6) I've had 3 bicycles till date and no other vehicle. Colour of all three: 'Red'
The way I lost the first one was freaky. The bicycle had been rotting unridden outside my house for about 1 year then. It wasn't even roadworthy. But still out of nostaligia, I penned down a poem on 'My Red Bike'. At the end of it I gave the poem a twist that the bike gets stolen.
And that night when I went outside, the bicycle REALLY WAS NOT THERE! STOLEN!
It was rotting right there in the morning!!!!!!!!!

Actually it was one of the 6-7 poems that I penned in succession of 3-4 days. I had never written a 'poem' before that, nor have I written a complete 'poem' after that. There was something about those 3-4 days man! And imagine, that freak of a bike was probably getting stolen right when I was penning 'such an incident' in the evening!!!!

7) At on phase in my life I wanted to be a vet.

8) My 'pets' till date include
--Dogs (scores of them)
--Cats (quite a few)
--A male goat kid, raised for about a year
--Wounded doves 3 to 4 (at different times) - 1 grew fit to fly away in a week. Others died of natural or Cat-made causes.
--A sick baby crow which regained strength, but grew blind day by day. I don't remember how it died.
--a baby wall lizard (PAY ATTENTION MISS SOLITAIRE) , kept in a grilled enclosure not for any such noble cause, but just some childish thrill. (And fed mosquitos caught live by hollow of the hand and released in the enclosure through an opening after covering rest of the enclosure with polythene.
--snails and earthworms, caught in the backyard and kept in transparent boxes filled with soil
--overnight pet frogs, caught and kept in half filled buckets and releases in the morning
--a very big and old grasshopper, that came in one night and was too weak to
fly away the next day. So I brougt some small plants with good bushy foliage and planted them in a bathroom tub, and kept the the grasshopper in it. Fed it very small tomato pieces, radish piecs, and such vegetables which we cooked that day. In absence of internet 'in those days', I had no idea what it would eat. But it did do some 'nibbling' with its extremely wierd mouth on the tomatoes especially. And if you had not expected it, the underbelly or 'abdomen' (as the last part of the three parts of an insect is called) was extremely smooth and soft to touch! Silk or velvet does not even come close. (ok maybe close). It died in a week.(As I told you it was the BIG, biggest one I ve seen, lethargic when it came, and had probably become old and reached the end of its natural life)

Besides actually 'keeping' these, I have come in 'touch' with..
--a baby chameleon(PAY ATTENTION 'YOUR MAJESTY') in my backyard whom I sometimes took in my hand. But as it grew, it started looking at me with cold reptilian freaky stares, and even biting my thumb. So I "Let go. If they don't come back, they were never yours."
--baby house mice. belive my, the ultra pink, totally hair-free mice, just a few days old with tinye little hands and feet cuddled close to their body, and eyes no even opened yet are ultra cute to watch and keep on your palm.
--fur-ball baby squirrels, in a 'nest' made of cotton stolen from our mattresses in our electric meter box.
--while picking up snails and earthworms, I was about to absentmindedly pick up a thick black thing, when just 2/3 cm away from it I stopped realizing "Damn, its a snake". Later, the same rainy season I was to witness a black snake with its hood fully raised in all its glory in the same backyard. If the two snakes were the same, I was really lucky to have stopped 2-3 (3-4 maybe) cm short, and because that was near the tail end of the snake, and that it was busy 'passing by' and not just 'lying there' waiting to greet me.
--there were these particular type of hard-back beetles (about 1.5cmX1cmX0.5 cm dimensions)that visited indoors at night. It was fun to make it walk over books, newspapers,etc. Especially the fun was when it surprised you and took sudden flight with a buzzing sound. Another peculiarity was that sum of them had small things about less than 1mm cube in dimensions, crawling all over their underbelly. I could never figure out if they were its kids or parasites. They 'seemed' similar in shape (can't say because of the small size), but very lighter colour.



Maybe some more, but I think I have wearied the reader enough by now.

9) I really hate insects that bug me bad such as mosquitoes and flies and the huge headed 1.5 cm long black ants we get in India (and they were definitely aplenty at the place where I found the above creatures too. So I have elaborate torture techniques for them.
--I can catch mosquitoes mid air, and that too 'single-handedly' (Thats definitely skilled, if not 'brave' eh?)
--Mosquitos caught in such a way maybe a) drowned in water b) squished after catching c) fed to pet lizards when available (see pt of my 'pets' above) d) dissected apart limb by limb
--I get close to a mosquito and then flick it away with a harsh hit from the nail of my forefinger. No I don't squish it between the surface and my striking nail. Thats too boring. I 'flick' it away so hard that it gets squashed on impacting the opposite wall, or if it is a big fat one that has just fed on me, its tummy will simply burst open on impact with my nail, while it flies through air.
--When I was younger, lots of flies used to come in the house. So I used to carefully trap them in plastic bags, collect maybe about 50 or so in the bag, tie the bag firmly shut, and have fun with the 'live and humming baloon'. And then throw it away to let the flies die.
--The big black ants I mentioned used to bite little 10 year old me's feet often in rainy season. And their huge head's bite meant definite bleeding and a lot of pain. But the 'little fella' was not as innocent as he looked. He learnt how to catch these things by the body in such a way that they could not turn their head around to bite. But since they were caught, alarmed, in mid air, and restless to fight back, they kept their biting pinchers wide open, ready to quickly clamp on any thing within reach. So what did the little fellow do then? The meanie picked up another such ant and brought its neck in touch with pincers of the first. "Off with their heads!". Ant one cut the head off ant 2 in a flash and then kept it tightly in its grips (This tendency made it very painful to pull off an ant which bit you. It generally came off with a mm cube of flesh, and hence the bleeding, and of course hence my severe hatred). So I brought an ant 3, to bite off the neck of this ant 1. next ant 4 bit off the neck of ant 3 and so on. In this way I used to build chains of about 15-20 heads. Yeah I know. Humans are wicked. Onometopoea (Figure of speech:whole for the part or part for the whole).

10) Psssssst. I have many more secrets! Thats a secret between you and me alright? Tell no one about it ;)

See I am so generous, telling you even the eleventh secret....

11) All the above narratives and incidents are absolutely true. They happened to me.


If you have actually read till here and have not realised this is a tag where I say my 10 secrets , then you are tagged.
If you have not read till here, or if you realised this is a tag, go dance! No tag for you

Jaadu!

Or is it a Modern Miracle?
Nope just a typical cliched Bollywood Technical Anomaly...

Yesterday I was watching Krish (I dont remember the number of Ks, Rs, Is, Ss Hs etc in it. So there!)

(O wait, people may search for the actual spelling and come to this blog from search engines. So let me google it and find out
;-)...

Krrish !

Yippee I typed it correctly now!)

Back to what I was saying. Yesterday I was watching the movie Krrish aired on Star Gold TV channel. Technically that was day before yesterday as its past midnight right now.

Watching it, I was reminded of something which I bugged people with around the time the movie was released.

"If Rohit Mehra is Hritik, Krishna 'Krrish' Mehra is Hritik, then what the heck is Preity Zinta?

A Hritik-Cloning Incubator???????!!!!! :-O"

an example of nonsenses that Stem from my brain Cell

Aaj shaam office pantry mein...

One girl "Mujhe kisi ka cell chahiye! Jaldi!"
My immediate side thought "Kyon ladki? Cloning karegi kya?"

----For the Hinglish Challenged Log(People)----

This evening in the office pantry...
One girl "I want somebody's cell! Quick!"
My immediate side thought "Why girl? Gonna clone?"

Shopper

I am not a Miser.
Just an OptiMiser.

-Stupidosaur

A Ghost of a Misery

Absence of Misery is not Presence of Joy.

-Stupidosaur

Absence of Joy causes Misery Of Not Having Joy.

-Stupidosaur

So Misery arises from Absence of Misery

-Stupidosaur

Misery can be created from Absence of Misery

Misery can be destroyed.

Hence by destroying one misery while creating another,

one can conjure illusion of its conversion

-Stupidosaur

There is no such thing as Law of Conservation of Misery
-Stupidosaur

Shut up u Stupid Guy! We all love to bask in our misery. Don't make us realise there is none to begin with.

Heheh did you notice, just by displaying it in itlaics and 'centre-justifying' it, and leaving lots of space in between, even rubbish can be made to seem like something profound!

Retake Roshan! Cut! Cut!

Since there is so much talk* going on about the Indian Greek God Hritik in comment section a few posts ago, I couldn't help but sprout some nonsense 'jokes' about him in my head. Title of this post is 'supposed' to be one.

Here are other two:

Q1: Suppose after a few years or decades Sussane and Hritik drift apart. (Just suppose man! Its purely hypothetical). Sussane totally fails to understand Hritik any more. Then on what grounds will she file for divorce? (answer below)

Q2: Okay forget divorce. Shubh-shubh bolte hain. Suppose owing to their undying love, they have one more kid (they already have 2 I think). Then what would you call Hritik, or the couple? (answer below)

















































A1 : He's Greek to me!
A2 : Hat-trick Roshan!
*Thats a typical stupidasaur exaggeration. There was only one literal mention of the word Hritik in it. But yeah the spirit of the idea of Hritik was generally floating around in the air.

Chau!

Oh no, don't worry. I am not quitting blogging.
Its just that I wonder whats the big deal about "Chau!" being so cool an all.
All it reminds me of is a Chai slurping Tau.
By Tao!

Train departs with jerks and screeches...

I read the sentence which I have chosen as the title of this post in a story written by a blogger Ceedy.
My brain being the insanity that it is, first associated 'jerks' in the sentence as the derisive kind of word used for males who are insensitive, foolish, cruel, unrefined, obtuse etc as soon as I read it. As if the train departed with some guy passengers who were such jerks! Then as I read the sentence towards its end, the meaning and context became quite clear.

But still the thought lingered, and grew strong and clear.
Ladies and Gentlemen!
Boys and Girls!
Deviyon aur Sajjanon!
Jerks and Screeches!
Welcome aboard the Toyland Train!

A 'Screech' seems such an apt term for a female who is acting all hysterical shrieking bitchy screaming drama queen for a reason that is actually no reason at all!

A Jerk X A Screech!

"You are such a jerk!"
"You are such a screech!"

Ah what a 'great' experience it would be to travel in a train compartment full of such jerks and screeches!

Extra Hero!

Someone asked me,
"Tu khudko extra hero samajhta hai kya?"
"So you think you are extra hero huh?"

I was damn confused by this question. What was the chap trying to ask me?

A hero , I can understand. He's the main character, the central theme, the centre of attention, the doer of the impossible, he saves the day, saves the world, lives happily ever after, and thanks to him everybody lives happily ever after.

An extra. That too I can understand. He's the insignificant little thing floating here and there. Providing shape to the 'attention' at whose centre the hero is. Its impossible that he ever does anything. He is the a part of the clutter, 'the world' that hero is supposed to save. And by deeds of the hero, he's supposed to live happily ever after (though we will never know the truth).

But what the heck is an Extra Hero??????

'Bharat ka naam hoga!'

Par kya naam hoga?
Here is my pet theory about kya naam hoga...

These days Young India is making the world stand and take notice.
Sab kehte hain "Mera Bharat Mahan!"

->Aaj Desh Ke Naujawan Desh Ka Naam Roshan Kar Rahe Hain.<-
Isliye shayad humein future mein kehna padega
"Mera Roshan Mahan!"

Please humourless fellows, I love my country. This was just a silly joke.
If you can't take it, go sink in the Bay of Bengal.

Stupidosaur doesn't blog

I think my blog persona is much more interesting than my real self.
The only thing more interesting about my real self is this....
My real self writes a blog.
But my blog persona itself does not write its own blog.

Thinking "Whatttt????" ????

Me too.
Just wrote it down as it occured to me while writing it.

-Me

Stop Maryum!

Anyways the deadline was yesterday. So I *sighed*
16th to 15th =1 month!

Bas kar! Mera statscounter phoot raha hai!

Pagal Ladki...rukkkk

(@MARYUM)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oye Maryum kya kar rahi hai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RUKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I like an Ogre?

"Ogres are like onions"
"Ogres have layers, onions have layers"
-Shrek

"Am I like an Ogre?"
-Stupidosaur

Kareena changed boyfriend...Again!

It seems Kareena Kapoor has switched boyfriend again.
She was telling about it to her servant Rama the other day.
Rama who is an insider on Stupidosaur's payroll, promptly spilled the beans for your benefit.

Few days ago, she and her new guy enjoyed great quality time canoodling together at the late night show of the latest movie 'Jannat'.

To repeat the words Kareena herself said to Rama,
"Ye Ishq haaey...baithey bithaaey....Jannat dikhaye hann....Oh Rama!"

Yes . His name is Ishq.

When Saif will hear about it (or read about it here), he will surely start singing Shah Rukh Khan's song
"Kar dey mushkil jeena...Ishq-Kareena!"

Target speed 1 kmph possible? (Oops I mean 1 khpm)

Stupidosaur started crawling on May 16 2008.
One more day to go and he will have walked for a month.
At the end of the month, what will be his speed?
Will he cross 1 kmph?
(Damn, same mistake again)
I mean will he cross 1 khpm (kilo hits per month)?
Will 1 meter cross 1 kilo in 1 month?


Right now, its 216 to go. Will Stupidosaur average 108 hits per day in next 2 days?
To find out, keep watching "The Little Ranting Reptile and Other Stories...."

(Heh heh sly little bugger me Stupidosaur. Asking you to 'keep watching if 1000 is hit', so that by the virtue of your 'keep watching' itself, the otherwise unreachable 1000 would be reached!)

Anyways, whether 1000 hits are reached or not, will 300 visits be reached?

When You Piss Off A Stupidosaur

When a fellow pisses off a human real bad, the human says,
"Oh how I hate his guts!"

Instead, Stupidosaur says,
"Actally, I love his guts so much! But the problem is, I am a vegetarian."

A Pril Fool

I got a recent visitor Pri.
(The above hyperlink is 'magical' for those who discover its 'magic')
(And by that bracketed comment I dont mean Pri's blogs are so 'magical', (neither do I mean the contrary ;)))
(See if you can find out the 'magic'. Its quite easy actually)
(Repeat: Its the hyperelink's magic I am talking about, and not the blogger or her blog)

Anyways, when I was replying to her comment, I had to write
@Pri

From this I wondered what blogger profile name would Aman Verma (The one who barges into the houses of innocent unsuspecting housewives with armed with a bottle of Pril) choose for himself?
Will it be 'Pril Fool'?

Then whenerver someone replies to his comments, they will begin as
@Pril Fool...
@Pril Fool...!

The Two Sides Of The Two Sides Of A Coin

"Every coin has two sides"
This phrase that someone coined itself has two sides!

Tails:
Since "Every coin has two sides", there are pros and cons for every decision you make, this way or that way

Coin in mid-air:
So you cant decide which of the two options would be right.

Heads:
So, since "Every coin has two sides", you just flip a coin and make the decision :)

Zinda

Yeh Hai Meri Kahani.....
Mein Hoon Meri Kahani...

Lekin Kahani Mein Twist Aatey Rehte Hain.
So I ended up being such a twisted person reptile.

-Stupidosaur

If they are all cheerleaders, who the blazing bumpkins is the follower?

TagDi Batein

*yawn yawn* **

So I have been tagged.

This is my first tag.

As of now it is my sole tag.

But actually it is my sol tag.

Assuming you are a lazy bum who is not going to follow the link in the above sentence and hence will not come to know about the rules from there, let me repeat the rules here and increase the redundant data on the servers of blogspot:

1. Pick up the nearest book.

2. Open to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the next three sentences.

5. Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you.

Nearest book?

Let me check...Any books on my cubicle desk? None. At least none that is macroscopic enough to be visible. Unless we consider a blue plastic file with bundles of printed slide shows and small documents as a 'book' .(I was reading this 'book' from yesterday noon to today noon in order to give a test this afternoon.) Even if you pass that 'thing' as a 'book', we still have a problem. Each individual slideshow/document in it has less than 123 pages, or is unnumbered. And I am definitely NOT going to start marking the page numbers in this whole bundle with a pencil in order to find page number 123 just to do this tag.

So what do I do now? Ransack other peoples desks to find a 'nearest book'?

Nah one tag is not worth that much effort and risk is it?

What to do, what to do, what to do......

Oh yeah! its 21st century. Think hi-tech! e-book! I have a couple of them on my machine.

But then they are all in the same folder. Which one can be considered the 'nearest book'?

I guess I will follow this rule to open the 'nearest' book.

Keep the mouse on the icon of the folder.

Double click (Folder Opens)

Do not move the mouse and double click the icon it is on.

This is what opened:

Here is the page 123:

I think I will just dump the first few paragraphs of page 123 here. That because with so many direct speech quotes used in one sentence, and with each quote itself consisting of so many sentences, I am really confused about how to isolate 'one sentence'. So I dont know when does the fifth sentence begin, and where do the next three sentences end. For example, in the first para below, do we have 3 or 4 sentences or just one sentence with so many direct speech quotes? Any feedback comments from grammar scholars are welcome.

Here are a few paragraphs from beginning of page 123. Take your pick of what you consider sentences 5,6,7 & 8.
"Galaxy!" Mallow exploded angrily at the anticlimax, "What the blue blazes did you do when you went to school? What do you mean anyway by a fool question like that?"

The elder man frowned, "If you'll explain–"

There was a long pause, then, "I'll explain." Mallow's eyebrows lowered, and he spoke slowly."When the Galactic Empire began to die at the edges, and when the ends of the Galaxy reverted to barbarism and dropped away, Hari Seldon and his band of psychologists planted a colony, the Foundation, out here in the middle of the mess, so that we could incubate art, science, and technology, and form the nucleus of the Second Empire."

"Oh, yes, yes–"

"I'm not finished," said the trader, coldly. "The future course of the Foundation was plotted
according to the science of psychohistory, then highly developed, and conditions arranged so
as to bring about a series of crises that will force us most rapidly along the route to future
Empire. Each crisis, each Seldon crisis, marks an epoch in our history. We're approaching one
now – our third."

Twer shrugged. "I suppose this was mentioned in school, but I've been out of school a long
time – longer than you."

"I suppose so. Forget it. What matters is that I'm being sent out into the middle of the
development of this crisis. There's no telling what I'll have when I come back, and there is a
council election every year."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yess! I have successfully bored and irritated the reader with such a long pointless ranting post derived out of such a nice n tiny tag.

That's what is the essence of my life these days.

Bugging People.

Debugging Programs.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**The yawning is purely due to lack of oxygen in the close circulation AC office. And because I hardly slept 5 hours the last time I slept before waking up this morning***. What did you think?

***I had to use such a complex and specific phrase because I couldnt use the phrase 'last night' instead****

****That is because I went to sleep at 4:15 am and woke up at 9:10 am*****

*****That is because I had a test~~ this afternoon.

~~I flunked the test for the second time~~~

~~~

About the test:

All chaps of a particular department of the company have to give this test :-(

If they don't pass, no raise :-(

Of course if they pass, it does not guarantee raise :-(

Its a necessary but not sufficient condition for raise :-(

You get three attempts at the test :-)

Glass Half Empty:

The first time I got 62/90 questions right. Needed 70% i.e. 63/90 questions to pass! I flunked!

The second time around...guess what? 62/90 once again! missed by one mark once more. Yay me! I flunked!

Third time...hope I get lucky like the saying goes.

Glass Half Full:

No one has cleared this particular test, ever since they started conducting the tests in beginning of April.

Which means all scored less than 63.

Which means I have the highest score 62!

Hail to thee O me the flunked topper of the company! :-)

Plus I've still got onnnnne lasssst channnnce!

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I tag:

Sayesha - Who will probably write four lines from the double edition of the weekend paper, which will definitely have more than 123 pages.

Urv- My long lost velociraptor brother

Shwetank the poet - If writing such utter crap as this tag on his literary and poetic blog is at all tolreable.

Kanan - who can balance glasses on her nose :)

Chinmai - beware of her, IT company network administrators ;)

Anoop - Pok!

Maryum - You can start your blog with this tag :)

Hey wow I think that probably covers all bloggers I know. Included 7 instead of 5 just for safety margin, in case some people turn lazy. We shall definitely not tolerate the globalblogmatrix remaining clutter free, shall we?

Dogs hate Palash

All the dogs of my street collectively hate Euphoria in general and Palash Sen in particular.
Because many people took the lyrics "Doom Pichak Doom" literally.
Pichak pichak kar kai kutton ki toh doom bhi seedhi ho gayi hai!
*I hear a distant shriek of a dog*

@ manekas gandhis:

This is a work of fiction.
Any resemblance to any person (except Euphoria people) or dog living or dead is purely coincidental.
I thought 'seedhi kuttey ki dum' would have been enough of a pointer to deduce that.
Unless of course the dog got rabid.

Practise what you preach

"Practise what you preach."
Its a very meaningful dictum.
But widely misunderstood.
Its not about yourself doing what you tell others to do. No sir.

Its about the 'before', not the 'after' of preaching.
If you have to preach, give a speech, lecture, etc, you should prepare well in advance and rehearse, practise, etc. Otherwise you will surely make a blunder in the actual.
Its basically about "Practice makes perfect"

The saying, as I was saying is about the 'before' not the 'after'
So "Practise what you (gonna) preach".
Whether after that you "Practise what you preach(ed)" is irrelevant ;-)

-Stupidosaur

(That was just in lighter vein. I dont like hypocrites.)

Dilemma

Dont speak. You are not understood.
Speak. You are misundertsood.
-Stupidosaur

(must be due to my reptilian brain, totally out of sync with human)

Black Friday

ek banda tha. usoolon ka pakka tha. kabhi black ka ticket nahin khareedta tha.
Par ek friday usnein black ka ticket khareed hi daala. first day first show. kyun?


(first I gave the answer in the post itslef and published. But then thought why not let it be an interactive puzzle thingie)

---------------------------------------------------------

Usey Black ka first day first show dekhna tha. Toh Black ka ticket hi khareedega na!

An alternate ad for monsterjobs.com or something like it.

Me: Those were the good old days when I used to come up with jolly good stuff.
Now I am old (n years old I mean). So junior Stupidosaur has taken over from me.
But I dont really trust that reptile to run my blog.
So I slyly sent him to Steven Spillbeans (The famous director of Saying Private Yarn and its sequel Saying Private Rant) to audition for a role in the next movie.

While he is away, let me entertain you with a mental recollection of what I had once written in my diary long back.....

Boss (to a junior who has been blowing his own trumpet since quite a while in the meeting) :
Will you please stop going round and round in circles. You are not covering any area here. We are all waiting for that glorious time when you start making a point.

Junior: (Stops mid-action in mock mime joker fashion. Turn to boss slowly):
So...err..you mean to say that all this while I was going round and round in circles?

Boss: (Stern) That is correct.

Junior: You mean my talk was not covering any area?

Boss: (arms folded defensively. Jowls showing slight pink of muffled frustration): Hmmm

Junior:
Oh but you are saying, that my talk was going round and round in circles, without covering any area. But a circle that does not cover any area is a circle with radius zero. And a circle with radius zero in what we call a point. So you see, I was actually making a point!
Shame on you. You don't even know basic school geometry!

(Junior walks away doing a jig, thinking merrily of that new job he landed through that website!)

The 'Perfect Human Being'

A perfect human being is the most imperfect human being,
because its the imperfections that makes us human.

-Stupidosaur


P.S: Stupidosaur seems to be in philosopher uncle mode these days.
Nah its just that it is middle of the night. So.

(That So was an order to myself)

Stupidosaur Kelloggs nahin khata par....

Someone commented in her comment section on my comment in her comment section. It went like

"I am surprised..that statement coming from someone like Stupidosaur...That tells me one should never judge a book by its cover!"

In this context, I would like to make it clear to the world in general, that the name

Stupidosaur

is not entirely anaemic.
It has a healthy dose of irony ;-)

And of course one should never judge a book by its cover.
Rather, as we stupidosaurs always say, you should always judge a book by its weight.
The heavier it is, the better it holds the tail.

P.S: To undersatnd the 'heavy book' inner circle party line, you will have to follow the link to another post, from where you will need to follow links to two other posts. From those posts you will NOT have to go to any other posts. Promise.

(Me said : Sheesh! The things this Stupidosaur will do to get the cheap thrills of seeing his hitcounter increase. Cheapskate!)

An immaterial post

Why do I find that most things that are material are actually immaterial?

-Stupidosaur