**Feminist wrath alert!**
So I Better change it to
"This is cowdung woman!"
**The politically correct are still protesting!**
Okay fine I'll settle for
"This is cattlepoop person!"
Happy now? Nice eh?
This is really irritating. Having to analyse every thing one might say just like that and weed it for 'gender specific language' and then change it to something more 'appropriate'.
I think the 'feminists' and 'politically correct' are lacking perspective here. Let me shed some light for them.
When I use a generic sentence, with 'he' in it referring to a generic person, then that's exactly what I am doing, viz. referring to a generic person.
As case in point, let me present to you a sentence which according to me is nice, innocent, generic, gender-unbiased sentence:
"What does a person do when he is fed up of some narrow minded folks not allowing him to use a sentence like this one?"
Some folks advice using both the pronouns:
"What does a person do when he/she is fed up of some narrow minded folks not allowing him/her to use a sentence like the first one above?"
How clumsy is that!!!
In that case some people suggest (or rather insist) on using plural pronoun 'they' in place of 'he/she'. Like this...
"What doe people do when they are fed up of some narrow minded folks not them to use a sentence like the first one above?"
But what if I want to talk about one person only, and not people? I think this just does not cut it :P.
Open your minds people. Humankind (see how I am cleverly avoiding 'mankind', since I haven't yet made my point) has been using 'he' as generic pronoun for centuries now. Does not mean all 'mankind' was made up of MCPs who insisted on using the masculine pronouns to make females feel excluded. In fact, aren't females supposed to be the language developers, the communicators?
Anyways, whatever secrets history has buried, this is my post-historic, present day take on it.
You see, women are special kind of men.
SHe is a Special kind of He.
WoMen-Could mean special Men who make other Men go Wooohooo!
WoMen-Could mean special Men who have Wombs.
WoMen-Could mean the special Men whom other Men Woo.
It is just like IBM RedBooks are nothing but a particular kind of books from IBM which traditionally had their covers all red and hence the name.
So which is more generic? Books or Redbooks?
When i make a general statement about books, such as
"Thick fat books are good for raising the level of your computer monitor.",
does it also not include the idea that
"Thick fat Redbooks are good for raising the level of your computer monitor."?
When I use 'he' in a generic way, it includes 'she'
When I use 'man' or 'mankind' in a generic way, it includes 'woman' and 'womankind'
I mean did you all not read about "Evolution of Man" in school?
Does it mean women did not evolve?
Even in hindi, we have the generic 'Insaan' for human. It is a generic word and yet 'masculine'.
So does it mean "Auratein insaan nahin hai"? (Does it mean "Women are not human"?)
Nope. Its not at all that way. Even though 'Insaan' is masculine, it includes men & women (kids too)
Similarly even though 'he' is masculine, it includes men and women (kids too).
And just think how many bytes we will be saving on the world wide web, if nobody insists on using 'they' (4 characters) or 'he/she' (6 characters) instead of 'he' (only 2 characters :))
And its not just storage. Every time those extra characters are used, they will need additional processing by the digital circuits. Think about energy crisis! Think about global warming!
OK Now I will rest this case.
Now I will rest this nutcase I meant.
I mean this nutcase will now go to sleep.
(Yes I know its a new emoticon :P + ;) )
Cos thats how I'm feeling. Blue and sarcastically joking.
This is posted 40 mins after first posting:
Maybe, unknown to me the bomb blasts were somewhere at the back of my mind to give rise to such a phrase. Realised only now.
They asked around.
They were told, get an electric one, which just needs to be connected to the standard electric supply to get the light.
They were also told, it will hardly consume about 60Watts power and meet all their lighting needs.
So away they went, looking for the 60 Watts electric device to meet their needs.
On the way, they met a fan.
"Hello there good device!"
The fan 'turned around' to look at them (it was a revolving fan you see ;))
"Are you an electric device?"
"Yes my good sirs."
"How much wattage do you charge your benefactors?"
"Hardly 60 Watts kind sirs!"
A wave of cheer passed all around,"Lets pop the champagne! We found our man oops... device!"
"Come with us good device, your life will be made, we will make you the ornament of our room and feed you with the choicest of perfectly sinusoidal, absolutely harmonics free electric supply!"
The fan couldn't believe his good fortune. He readily accompanied them.
They had the fan installation party that evening. Someone complimented the fan how great he was, with CE certification mark, ISO certification mark, and all that chutzpah! That evening the fan felt on top of the world.
(And that was quite 'fitting', because that wall-mount stand and that room was going to be his world from that evening, and he was sitting on top of it)
Next day, expecting to get some light, they switched-on the fan. They fan, on getting the refreshing cool blue waves of electricity, immediately started revolving.
The light-seekers just looked on, waiting for some light, somewhat confused, somewhat irked.
But they did not want to offend the fan, who was new and supposed to be so good with all those great recommendations and certification marks to back him up. And besides, they really needed some light and were ready to play the patience game if it got them some.
Few days went by in this way. They would switch on the fan. The fan would proudly do what it did the best. Sometimes it even commented, expecting some praise,"Nice cool breeze huh?"
The light-seekers sometimes responded, "Sure buddy, you sure know some 'cool' tricks". Sometimes they just smiled a pale, polite and fake smile. But one day, their patience ran out. So they retorted, "Thats all very fine, but you better get down to business soon. We aren't allowing you to guzzle all that electricity for nothing."
The fan was shocked and confused! It just stammered, "But..but...!"
While leaving, the light-seeker said in a harsh, incisive voice, "From tomorrow, you better stop dillydallying and put yourself to some serious work!"
The fan stood very still that night. It was a long night. Full of loneliness, cluelessness, emptyness and a lot of soul-searching. After digging deep into its soul, located in the ferromagnetic core of its windings, the fan arrived at a decision. He concluded, that maybe he was not giving his 100% when serving the master. Or perhaps, the master needed him to give more than that to be pleased. So he will spin harder...and harder....and harder...till his master is happy.
So from the next day, he spun harder...faster...spinning with all his dedication and might. By the end of the week, the fan was utterly exhausted. It coils got heated up. It got fever. But the masters just scowled. "Wonder when I am going to get some light around here!", the fan heard one of them mutter while leaving in a huff.
The fan thought and thought and thought. He resolved that he will give light! But since it was a fan, its thoughts as well as actions were limited only to spinning.
So it spun and spun, and the spun some more. And then it spun even harder. But still there was no sign of light. So the fan put in even more resolve and dedication into his actions, hoping that there will be light. But and resolve or dedication the fan put in could only get converted to more and more vigorous spinning.
At last, the motor of the fan heated up too much. It grew red hot. There was a red glow in the room! The fan had at last fulfilled his masters' wish! He had given out light.
The next moment it died. Literally a case of work related burnout, because of being caught in the wrong job.
Even if a fan and bulb are both electrical devices, and even if both may consume same power, and hence same at the statistical abstract level as measured by the electricity meter, a fan is a fan and a bulb is a bulb. Never get a fan to do a bulb's job. And vice-versa.
(I have a similar story made up in which a bulb is caught up in a fan's job and dies due to work related burnout, but some other time :) )
I mean what if his/her facial muscles are just fine, but brain cant process smiling activity?
What kinda person can laugh, but not smile.
On the rare occassions that smile happens, it happens only if it happens before the brain realizes what is happening.
Otherwise, even when the person feels like smiling to a certain extent, the brain cant take it to competion by slight voluntary effort.
So when others smile, the person cant smile back.
Over the period, the person becomes phobic to smile, because the moment someone smiles, these things happen simultaneously in the mind of the person:
That person is happy tp see me. (old chum/known person)
Let me smile back.
(a nanosecond passes. no smile appears).
Oh no, smile quick, or the person will take it as a negaitive vibe.
(Another nanosecond passes. No smile, instead, a slightly strained look due to the effort in trying)
The other person's expression begins to involuntarily change on seeing a smile met with strained expression.
(The 'no-smile' person notices and within a flash realises that the inevitable has happened.
The lack of smile is going to cause loss of one more person. The 'no-smile person' feels a silent rage at self for such a limitation. But even though the silent rage does not reach vocal chords, it reaches the face. Now, even though a 'no-smile' person is effectively an alien on earth because of it, the anatomy of the person is not actually so. So in order to express that rage, the person does not have eyes on alien tentacles, that can be moved towards oneself when expressing any feeling for self.
So under the limitation imposed by human anatomy, the eyes of the persojn still happened to look at that other person while that look of anger and hatred filled them. So the other person thought it was meant for him/her.
One more friend lost! Or maybe one more enemy made!
No point wishing that actually, if you observe and think carefully, its already true.
And yes, vaccum-headed is the new and improved version of air-headed.
Some people write beautiful things that touch the heart.
Me? Mine are just juvenile attempts to touch the mind, especially where it tickles.
"Everything happens for good."
Which according to this Stupid Man means,
"So if you are good, everyting will happen for you"
She did her bachelor (Bad Girl eh?)
"I was an atheist until I realised I was God"
"I am an atheist and I have realised I am God. So I don't believe in myself."
It is by this screwing of the pieces together one by one that a masterpiece evolves!
I'm gonna be a masterpiece! Crafted by the master artist-Me!
(No as of now I am not screwed. Though I am contemplating some things in which there is risk of royal screw-up. Anyways this was kinda inspired by that new TV adverisement featuring Aamir Khan in which one of the lines goes "Doosron ki galatiyon se kya seekhna! Make your own mistakes yaar!"
And right now I am trying to remember what that ad was actually about. I was so involved in that ad and its message every time I saw it, that I never noticed what it was selling!
Aamir the perfectionist is going to have difficulties getting more endorsement deals from brands if their people read this! The pitfalls of being too good? Hah!)
But still some of them come as total shockers.
Like this one I discovered the other day......
One day I was listening to "Oh Carol....."
(Please don't bother about interpreting my musical tastes based on this. I do not have tastebuds in my ear. This one came with the computer when It was purchased in 1st/2nd year of engineering)
Suddenly something sounded so so so very familiar about it. Although I had heard this one so often, it didn't really click till that moment. This song sounds just like...
"Aey Dil! Laya Hai bahar....." from movie "Kya Kehna!" (Priety Zinta one)
Here is a line by line tune by tune comparison....
"Laya hai bahar!"
"I am but a fool!"
"Apnon ka pyaar..."
"Darling I love you..."
"Don't you treat me cruel!"
(I know the two comparisons do not rhyme or anything. Its about the tune in which they are sung and played)
After that also the similaity continues, with the fast
"Khile Khile Chehron se aaaj...Ghar hai meraa...."
But in so many years, thanks to the 'quality' of my computer speakers and my lack of well tuned ear (Hmmm could it be because of the absence of tastebuds in them?) I have never been able to interpret the words of the corresponding fast line of the English song. But it is of exactly matching tune here too. I can assure you about that.
Rajesh Khanna ka dehant ho jata hai. Movie ka The End ho jata hai.
Dehant sounds like The End.
What is really wrong when "A Pot calls a kettle black" ?
Its a very lame saying.
If a pot is black, it should be called black. Just like you call a spade a spade, and a black spade...well, a black spade.
The saying is ridiculous in so many more ways than one.
For one, if I am ridiculous, it does not affect in any way the fact that 'you' are ridiculous. If I tell 'you' that 'you' are ridiculous, its the most lame retort to say "So are you!". Agreed buddy, I am ridiculous, but at this moment that is not the issue. We are talking of the 'you' that is ridiculous at the moment. Deal with that!
Another aspect is, when referring to 'pot calling the kettle black', what do 'they' really expect from the pot instead? Should it say this...?
"Hello kettle! You are black! I am black!"
That's so impractical. Agreed "Pot is black" is one truth. So is "Kettle is black". But they are two independent truths, each fully eligible for being said by itself, without the other. Just imagine if I say
8+9 (kettle) = (is) 17 (black)
and people insist that I also say
7+10 (pot) = (is) 17 (black)
along with it for the sake of fairness/completeness!
Not to forget all the other truths like
7.1111 + 9.8889 (Coal) =(is) 17(black)
-12+29 (Black Pearl) =(is) 17(black)
(4X4) + 1 (Nelson Mandela) =(is) 17(black)
In fact, if I am supposed to say all the 'related truths' at one go, then every time I open my mouth, I will need to rant off the entire Encyclopedia Britannica and more, cos ultimately everything is related. And you can very well imagine how that will make any sort of communication an absolute impossibility.
Again, if I am Pappu, and I meet another Pappu, should I not call him Pappu too?
One chilly snowy evening late in December, braving the temperature of -14 degree C and an even greater wind-chill , two daredevils, Stupidosaur and his Colleaguosaur are walking home from work. Colleaguosaur had managed to find a cheap accomodation, and was thus saving loads of money in terms of the Phoren Currency.
Stupidosaur: So what are you gonna do with all this money?
Colleaguosaur: Mamu (Yes he had taught himself to begin every sentence with 'Mamu' watching Munnabhai, because it seems to endear you to everyone), ultimate aim is to save more than Rs. 5 crore on my own, which is how much my dad has saved in his lifetime.
Stupidosaur: Uh-ah! So thats the 'ultimate' aim. Whats the immediate aim?
Colleaguoasaur: The immediate aim bole to mamu, shaadi karne ka, get married, after saving 3-4 lakhs at onsite in 6 months.
Stupidosaur thought bubble to self: Hmm long term 'ultiMate' aim, and short term 'Mate' aim. Interesting.....
Stupidosaur: So when are you getting married? Found the girl yet?
Colleauguosaur: Search going on...
Stupidosaur: Search? Doing Google search for bride? *acting dumb**and its quite easy to see through the act*
Colleagosaur: Nahin re mamu (No I am not putting words in his mouth here. The M word automatically gets generated out of his own mouth, in two-thirds of sentences). Search means looking for a nice girl, in India.
Stupidosaur: Oho! So you doing GoodGal search instead (notice the Stupid spin-off on Google search, just in case you haven't :))
Colleaguosaur: *halts for a moment* *smiles* Right said! sahi bola re ekdum mamu!
Stupidosaur: (Now in full swing, all mental cogs and wheels activated) So I wonder what kinda search girls do for a suitor?
Colleaguosaur: *stylish pause* Who knows re mamu!
Stupidosaur: Oh I know I know! They do Yahoo search! After all, all men are Junglee. (Yahooo! Yahoo! Chahey koi mujhey Junglee kahey.........!)
Colleague: Tu bhi na mamu.......!
Knowledge is Power!
Perhaps that is why in Gujarati and Marathi...
Information is Mighty (माहिती) !
(And the above Knonsense of mine is perhaps Powerful enough to bore you to sleep!)
The victim, being physically weaker, can't do much to stop it.
Further, the victim is not even anatomically capable of stopping it.
A guy on the other hand can't be 'raped' by a female unless the guy wants it, at least at some level. Otherwise it will just not be physically possible.
The victim of the crime must really feel horrible, helpless, insulted, frightened and not to forget the risks of pregnancy and diseases.
Sometimes I have also wondered what ->I<- would do if I was witnessing such a thing, or if someone I know suffers and tells me about it. To be honest, I am not a big and strong guy. So beating the crap out of the sicko like a film hero is not really an option available to me. And going to police, though an option, would really be a nightmare which would have to be endured because of lack of other options. So being the geek that I am, I used to think about inventing a device which could teach the fellow a lesson right on the spot. Recently, a blogger solitaire wrote a fictional story about date-rape. That brought out all the thoughts of the above type I had previously, and I posted a comment on that post of hers.
Here I am repeating that comment once again.
Maybe we should have devices.Like the IUDs or something. When the lady goes for such a party or to some dark alley alone,she could switch it on.Then soemone tries to violate her, the device would go into action.Some possibilities of what the 'action' could be...(we could even have combination of these)
1) Tattoo 'it' with a big 'RAPIST'
2) Inject local anaesthesia to make it limp
3) Autodial up police, 911 whatever, with GPS coordinates.
4) Inject general anaesthesia so that the fellow drops unconcious till the police arrive
5) Start big blaring noises and alarms of "Rape! Help! Please save me! etc
6) Inject something that makes him permanently impotent/unfertile/both
7) The device locks around 'it' and separates out from the lady. The unlocking keys or codes would only be with the local police. So the choice is his. Show up, or be unable to use it for rape or non-rape in future. Or risk breaking 'something else' while trying to break the lock (with a hammer?)
8) Give really bad electric shock there or secrete picric acid (of ants bite fame)
Yeah but women too can be bitches. Someone could take revenge on her decent caring loving guy about something trivial with the device. Plus, if the rapist gets really angered, the lady who could have got off with 'just rape' might suffer lot of physical injury or even murder.So even before considering the technical feasibility, this would need lot of other considerations
Stupidosaur was chatting with a friend while in a bad mood.
"How is life?"
(which of course got faithfully converted into the corresponding yellow circular graphics when sent)
Stupidosaur who as we know is a slave to wierd internal feedback circuits, after looking at the sent message visible on screen immediately types,
" So life is :(..."
"Does that mean life is Smiley?"
Strange ironic confusion of the cyber world eh?
"Listen up bub! I'm gonna punch you in the eye!"
"Don't do that, else it will be really bad."
"And why not scumbag?"
"Cos I've got contacts"
The bully got a little scared and left him alone.
He did not realise that the class nerd was talking about his contact lenses, and how being punched in the eye would a really bad mess for himself because of the contact lenses
**This was an impromptu joke Stupidosaur made up when there was this 'team farewell party' our ex-Project Manager gave since he has moved out of the project . The P.M. donning the usual role of giving fundas on 'soft skills' uttered something about 'eye contact' with the waiter. This was of course promptly taken up by his supervisor, the Delivery Manager and converted into something like 'Look into my eyes' kinda 'romantic' thing with the waiter joke.
While everyone was guffawing over this, the internal feedback loops of Stupidosaur filtered in just the 'eye contact' part and added 'lenses' to it, with the above insignificant disastrous result.
And the climax of the afternoon was when the P.M. paid waiter the bill. He was given 20% 'corporate discount' on our 'company party' bill. The most notable about this, that sent additonal rounds of guffaws all around was that in the last party (which team gave the ex-PM) held at the same venue, we were given only 10% discount. The 'eye contact' seemed to have worked!**
Yeh joke poor joke hai ya nahin woh shayad is par nirbhar karta hai ki mein ghat par jhopdi banata hoon ya bungalow
**this is based on a lunch conversation Stupidosaur recently had with some office buddies about important issues like atrocities faced by North Indians in Maharashtra at the hands of Maharasgtra Navnirman Sena. The conversation proceeded to how their situation was like 'Ghar ka na Ghat ka'. So Stupidosaur, the insensitive jerk suggested that the problem can be solved if they build Ghar on the Western Ghats in Maharashtra. But still everybody around(North Indians included) could not help but laugh at this for about a minute (yeah inspite of your utter desbelief, some people do have such a greatly developed sense of humour as to laugh for a minute at such such nonsensical insanities. Must be the unexpectedness or the Blitz Krieg factor in midst of the serious talk) and intersperse it with comments like "Stupidosaur in on with hi poor jokes again!". This further led to the second sub-joke above.**
Just 92 seconds less, and I'll be the new world record holder for minesweeper expert level with 36 seconds only!
If you did not know, the present one is 37 seconds. (Yeah Dion Tiu, the same guy who made 38 second record, broke it by one second it seems)
And considering that it took me just one day to reduce my time by 4 seconds from this yesterday, it will take only 23 more days to break the world record ;)
Plus, today's record was made even without 'performance enhancing non-drug' milkshakes of yesterday.
So there is a lot of scope for improvement with milkshakes ;)
(Ah actually I just visited a new commentor of mine in previous post and her post was something about how three potholey auto rides later she was dying of 'backache'.
Number of factors contributed to this twisted sentence forming in a twisted head.
1) I was reading it reclining quite unhealthily on my unhealthy swingy swirly cushiony chair, fully prone to developing chronic back problems if I stayed that way.
2) The screen was just about >1 m away from my eye (I was reclining remember?)
3) The post template selected by the blogger had very black background with smallish font. So I was kind'a guessing what the word that was 'backache' actually was. And not really trying to 'guess' in context of the sentence. Just drifting you see.
4) I have a twisted brain, with lot of intrenal feedback loops.
OK now let me go and read the second sentence of that post.
I came to blog immediately after that flash thought :) .
Haathi ka anda la (for aati kya khandala)
Kachre ke dabbey mein tujhko bithakarrrrr...
Upar se plastic ka dhakkan lagakarrrrr...
Rakhunga gutter ke paas...
Aayegi Tujhko bhi baas!
(that was based on 'Dil ke jharokhey mein tujhko bithakarrrrr.....mat ho meri jaan udas')
Since that year that was such a turning point in my life, I have been on a life's mission on reinterpreting and reincarnating songs. Some of these 'inspired pearls' you have already come across in some of my previous posts. Here is a consolidation of some of the other products of my 'mental' process...
Will keep you updated as I remember/make more of them....
Baar Baar Haan! Bolo yaar haan!
Apni Jeet Ho....Unki Haar Haan!
Nahin Hai Tar yahan, Chahiye Wheel Drive Char yahan.
Apni Jeep Ho....Unki Car Haan!
To koi humse jeet na paawey..chaley chalo...
Mitjawey Jo Truck Aawey, Chaley Chalo!
Chhoot gayi jo...Lungi Uski! Paancho mili toh..Ban gayi Mitti!
(This song is also about sporting, just like the original. Except the sport is off-road racing, not cricket. The racing track is not made of tar. You gotta have a good 4-wheel drive vehicle to race. The heroes wish that while they have a jeep, others use some puny little cars. But they know they are no match for any truck that might also be in the race.
Then as the race is progressing, someone's lungi comes off. The attention of five drivers got diverted by it and their five vehicles crashed with each other and bit dust....and the rest is suspense...
By the way, just like any 'high level' art, the above line is open to interpretation ;) . Was it a lungi of a southie guy? Or was it a 'sophisticated lungi' of a flag girl? Or what?
Jhalak Dikhla jaa! Jhalak Dikhla jaa!
Ek Baar Aaja Aaja...Aaja Aaja...Aaja!
Jaley Kaddu Khila Jaa! Jaley Kaddu Khila Jaa!
Yeh Kabad KhajaaKhaaja...Khaaja Khaaja...Khaaja!
Hum Hain Naye, Andaaz kyun ho purana?
.Hum Hen Hain...Andaas kyun ho purana?
(Obviously, hens will only give you fresh eggs eh?)
Based on..... Musumusuhaasi
Moose Moose Hathi aur Whale Mammal Hain,
Moose Moose Haathi aur Whale!
Roshni sey...Bharey Bharey,
Madd bharey..naina tere....
Chhoo ke..boley...na chhoona mujhey!
Roz nichey...Bihari Hari...
Pan waaley...se kahe rey....
Pan pe..laga ke... de chuna mujhey!
Lehera ke Balkha ke...
(Shamita Shetty wala item number)
Gyri ke, Sulci ke...
Layeron mein dhal jaa key....
Khopdi mein jaakey...
Galey pe saja key....
Yeh hai sar tumhara..
Sar hai kyun khuja rha? Sar hai kyun khuja rha?
Kyun hai sar khuja raha...?
And this one is on the very art of making parody songs..
Pyaar Dewana hota hai mastana hota hai...
Har Khushi se Har Gham se Begana hota hai..
Parody Gaana banana bada asaan hota hai...
Bas Kisi ki Sargam ka 'Bajana' hota hai...
Watch this space for more!
It was loaded with good appliction programs.
But then the bloody operating system itself got full of viruses.
So the application programs can't function optimally.
System often crashes.
The basic security system of the machine tries to qaurantine itself from other humans in the network.
When the internal security system is off-gaurd for some time, sytem driven by its most basic hardwired routines, pings other network resources. They respond. But over time their security sytems sense the virus signature patterns and disable connection.
Over and 'out'.