<< Newer
Older >>

The Mistheory of Life and Afterlife.

Friday, May 30, 2008
I don't believe in the 'Afterlife' 'Souls', etc. So the title of the post is basically mocking the phrase
'The Mystery of Life and Afterlife'.
The body of the post is also a nonsensical excercise in mockery of such concepts.

Do you know where souls come from? Well souls are just like soles of shoes. Up there somewhere, there is this huge machine that makes souls. It produces them continuously and systematically dumps them on a conveyor belt. Just like a pair of soles pass over the assembly line and get fittend on their respective two new shoes, these souls from the conveyor belts are put in new goody-two-shoes human beings.

The production capacity of The Soul Plant is fixed. Since the days of Adam, the same number of souls are being produced every month. I did not miss out Eve above by mistake. Eve was the second soul or so says that book. So the production is going on 'since the days of Adam' and not 'since the days of Adam and Eve'.

The Manager of the Eden, the garden restaurant had planned things out in such a way that the number of souls produced by the Soul Plant equally matched the number of souls getting disposed off by Moksha, Nirvana and such channels. The Manager also appointed special Witch Doctors to ensure the successful execution of this plan. Actually these Witch Doctors were three-in-one value-resources. Their day job was to mend the soles with their needles and sutures.
In the evening they sterilised the same needles and sutures and mended soles of people's feet.
Actually the reason why the these soles needed to mending in the evening was because of the rough handiwork of the Witch Doctors on soles of shoes during day. After this evening job, the Witch Doctors usually went to sleep. Their early morning twilight job was to mend souls of the people and ensure Nirvana. It goes without saying that here too they used the sutures and needles. Don't ask me why or how. I am still here. That proves I haven't gone through their Nirvanous doings. So I don't know.

The Manager had put up signs everywhere in the garden "Do NOT eat the apples!".
But one day somebody did. So all the Witch Doctors went away. The input output balance of Souls went totally out of control. The Soul Plant could not be slowed down.

They often sarcastically compare how Noah's Ark built by ameteurs survived, while Titanic did not
The ark was built by amateurs ...
The Titanic was built by professionals.
Actually the ark was a successful prototype, because everything went according to Manager's Plan. Plus by the time they got around to building the ark, the so called amateurs had gained a considerable experience over the years. But this Soul Plant was their first project as freshers. Holy Manager too had assumed that all His reportees would always follow all His instructions. So under this assumption, and because of not having done an MBA, He could not foresee the Apple -Witch Doctor Crisis until it actually occurred. So he missed out specifying that a Slow Down or Stop button was needed in the Soul Plant. And without the experience, the really amateur amateurs could not think of it either. In fact someone did point it out when the Plant got built halfway through. But the Top Managers needed delivery fast and the concern raised was suppressed quietly. In fact, the marketing and PR department touted the absence of Stop/ Slowdown button as a positive feature instead. They said that it was this feature that would ensure that the Universe runs perpetually, without stopping!

So the juggernaut* of Soul production continued. Souls entered this world at the same rate.
Previously, humans born as goody-two-shoes with new souls were allowed to do anything they wanted (except of course eat the apples). The Witch Doctors ensured that the ones not eligible for Moksha on their own also managed to attain it after their procedures and rituals. But now there were no Witch Doctors left. At least no authentic ones. But out of inertia, people still continued to do whatever pleased them. So very less number of Souls were found eligible for Moksha every year. Most flunked the test year after year. When people died, the bouncers kept their Souls out of the Club Nirvana, because most did not have valid a VIP (virtuous innocent pious) pass. New people kept coming with new souls made in the Souls Production Plant. They too died. No Moksha again. So the souls kept on accumulating on the garden. Since all other trees were assigned for People, The souls hung on to Peepul trees. Over time, the living found it too creepy to go about their normal lives as there were so many dead living around them.

They filed a Public Interest Litigation stating that it is totally unfair that humans should suffer the spooks because of the mistakes of The Manager and His Amateur Engineers of the Soul Plant. The defendant's attorney initially argued that it was a human who monkeyed around the garden and ate the apple. So its fair that humans suffer because of that.

But then better judgement prevailed in the end. They found Him guilty of Gross Oversight in a Position of Responsibility. But by now he had done his MBA, so he found a shrewd solution to be pardoned from any punishment. He proposal was like this

" I, the One who always uses capital letters to begin all the pronouns referring to Myself even when the pronoun is something other than 'I' and even if it is mid-sentence, hereby solemnly apologise for My Gross Oversight in a Position of Responsibility in reference to the Apple Witch Doctor Crisis arising out of Design Flaws of the Soul Plant.

All those of the current generation, who had to suffer the spooks of the other's souls (apart from their own) because of my mistake, I apologise to thee.

Unfortunately, the management is not in a position to do anything about the Soul Plant.
It has no Off or Slow down switch, which we can use every now and then to compensate for the Souls Surplus.
We also cannot cut the power supply to the plant to stop the production periodically. In case of such abnormal shutdowns, the Plant will take a long time to restart. In that much time, the present generation of humanity will have died out, and in absence of new soul supply, humanity will become extinct. We cannot allow that.

However, do not fret. Do not panic. There is a solution. Currently the Physical Moulding Plant makes the number of humans that exactly match the output capacity of Soul Plant. Each soul made there gets used as raw material in making one physical human. What we propose, is to increase the capacity of Physical Moulding Plant periodically, by adding new production units to it. The old production units will continue to receive the raw materials from the Soul Plant by usual channels. For new production units, the Soul supply lines will be setup from the Peepul trees where the unfreed souls gather.

Every year, new souls are churned out by the Soul Plant. Only few manage to sneak into the Club. The remaining ones will be taken up by the new production units. They will be fitted into new human beings. The human beings with the fresh as well as recycled souls will be dispatched to the garden. Again when they will all die, the number of souls newly available for recycling will be the perviously recycled ones and the previously fresh ones. Again we will increase the production capacity of Physical Moulding Plant by the number of Souls created by Soul Plant in one batch. So with this new capacity, we will once again be able to recycle the newly unfreed souls as well as use all the fresh manufactured souls. This way, by adding production each year to Physical Production Plant, we can perpetually go on solving the Souls Surplus Crisis!

Folks, this proposal was unanimously accepted by all parties involved as the only solution, the only path. And so it is being followed since that fateful day.

And now you can understand why...
1) We are witnessing a population explosion:
This is because every year, the Soul Plant is churning out its stipulated capacity. Not as many get moksha. They get converted back to humans using the annually increased production capacity of Physical Moulding Plant.
2) So many youngsters are such brats:
In earlier days, babies came with fresh souls from Soul Plant. So they were as innocent and goody goody as.....erm...babies. It took a long time for them to turn notorious. But now, so many kids are born with the souls that could not enter that Club in the first place. So obviously....
3) These days you do not see that many ghosts around:
After the Apple Witch Doctor Crisis and before the PIL was filed and the solution was arrived, the souls kept accumulating in the garden. So you hear so many 'authentic ghost stories' from the olden days. But these days, the ghost 'freshers' are immediately absorbed back into the system thanks to the ever increasing number of production units. So you don't come across many on bench...oops I mean on Peepul trees scaring people in this modern world.

Phew! See, creating mythology, that perfectly 'explains' so many things 'so consistently' is so easy! And that too using a setup of any given age or era.
And still people believe such 'stories' given in all sorts of religious books and claim that they match with 'historical evidence!'

Actually, its just that in olden days, nobody was interested in buying fictional Harry Potters.
So the smart JK Rowlings of the yore channelised their creativity to mythology and at the same time gained status in the society by sounding all 'holy'.
<< Newer
Older >>


  1. Stupidosaur, my favorite post on your blog, of all that I've read!

    Yes, it might not surprise you that this is my favorite post up till now. Maybe, for the enviable irreverence that you show for human foolishness. I too would like to do the same. But to you, I can admit, I don't do it because I'm not Stupidosaur (anonymous). Though, you've read my post 'Educational post' (God using Chinese remote).

    But not just for irreverence, but I loved this post for the amount of insanity that you've stuffed in it, yet come up with a 'reason' for population explosion. That was great! Well, but the moment you'd mentioned restriction of entry to the Club Nirvana, I'd thought it should lead to population explosion!

    Do you truly believe that people of prior generations were better human beings than the current lot?

    Truly a great post!

    :D @ Eden, the Garden Restaurant!

    It is so uncharacteristic of you (vis-a-vis the way you blog nowadays) to have assumed an 'explanatory tone' in your closing paragraphs, and actually to have revealed something personal in your opening one. Just an observation!